Roxy, Natasha's dog, May 2002

  

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Merlin, i.e. Maryland | You Know You're a Californian if... | You Know You're living in the year 2005 if... | Cool Things About Being a Guy | Decoding the Gender Differences | Poetry | Shorties | A Priest and a Rabii... | Elephant Story



The above photo is Roxy, Natasha Wooter's award winning Chihuahua.  May 4, 2002.

Merlin, i.e. Maryland

If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your life, you'll find this hits rather close to home. The Merlin (Maryland) Dialect is spoken by a mixed population which inhabits a triangular area on the western littoral of the Chesapeake Bay, bounded roughly by a line commencing at Towson's Toyota, then westward to the Frederick Mall, thence following the western border of the cable TV franchise and the string of McDonald's along Route 50 to the Bay.

All of these lands and the natives thereof are known as the Land of Merlin. They divide it further into semi-tribal areas called Cannies "COUNTIES" (e.g. Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.). The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny, where the people come on weekends to trade their goods.

Because of the numerous words and phrases common to both Merlin Dialect and modern English, linguists have long postulated that there is some kinship between the two. Speakers of Merlin Dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly because of their voracious appetite for television. However, they invariably refuse to speak standard English, even with outsiders who obviously are not understanding a word they say.

Merlin Vocabulary
Ballmer - Our city
Merlin - Our State
Arn - What you do to wrinkled clothes
Bulled Egg - An egg cooked in water
Jeet - How we say "Did you eat"?
Chest Peak - A large nearby body of water
Colleyflare - A white vegetable
Downey Owe Shin - Summertime destination "Down to the ocean" (such as Ayshun City)
Droodle Pork - Druid Hill Park
Faren Gins - Red trucks that put out fires
Hi Hon - How we always say "hello"
Holluntown - Highland Town
Meedjum - The grassy area between lanes of a highway
Nap Lis - State of Merlin capital
Ole Bay - What our crabs taste like
Oreos - Not a cookie, but our baseball team
Payment - That strip of cement that you walk on
PohLeese - Those guys in uniform that git ya when you're speeding
Share - Hot water that cleans you in the morning
Flares - Such as tulips
Tarred - What happens when you work too hard
Warsh - What we do with dirty clothes
Warter - What we drink (can also be Wooter)
Winders - Those glass things that we look out of
Paramore - Power mower
Brawl - Broil
Sem elem - Seven Eleven
Allanic - an ocean
Arnjuice - from the sunshine tree
Arouwn in all directions - norf, souf, ees, and wess
Aspern - what you take for headaches
Bald - some people like their eggs this way
Bawler - what the plumber calls your furnace
Beeno - a famous railroad
Calf Lick - bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and ...
Canny - a state gubmit division, such as Anne Arundel or Prince George's

Baltimore Ravens
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore!"


 
You Know You're a Californian if...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.


 
You Know You're Living in the Year 2005 if...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. You pay a personal trainer $60 an hour to make you exercise and pay a kid $20 to mow your lawn.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You've never spoken to anyone at the help desk who resides in the same continent as you.
18. Your last 3 job titles use the word "engineer" yet you don't have an engineering degree.


 
Cool Things About Being a Guy

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real.  Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's-ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work...More pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding dress; tux rental .
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
18. Your pals can be trusted never to ask you, "So, notice anything different?"
19. One mood, all the damn time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
22. You can open all your own jars.
23. You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
25. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
26. If someone forgets to invite you to something, you can still be friends.
27. Your underwear is for a three-pack.
28. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
29. Everything on your face stays its original color.
30. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
31. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
32. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "he must be mad at me."
34. No maxi-pads.
35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
40. You almost never have strap problems in public.
41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
43. You don't have to shave below your neck.
44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
46. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
59. The world is your urinal.


 
Decoding the gender differences

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads
40-ish ....................... 49.
Adventurous .................. Slept with everyone.
Athletic ..................... No breasts.
Average looking .............. Moooo.
Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure ........... On medication.
Feminist ..................... Fat.
Free spirit .................. Junkie.
Friendship first ............. Former slut.
New-Age ...................... Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-Fashioned ................ No BJs.
Open-minded .................. Desperate.
Outgoing ..................... Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional ................. Bitch.
Voluptuous ................... Very Fat.
Big frame .................... Hugely Fat.
Wants soul mate .............. Stalker.

Women's English
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

Men's English
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay.

Why Men Aren't Allowed to Write Advice Columns
- from Walter's Problem Page

Dear Walter:
     I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
     When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
     I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
     He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
- Sue Ann

Dear Sue Ann:
     A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
- Walter


 
Poetry
 
My favorite poem
Mrs. Landers was a health nut
She cooked food in a wok
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend
and he had a great big
Cock-a-doodle-doodle
The rooster just wonít quit
and I donít want my breakfast
because it tastes like
Shih-tzus make good housepets
Theyíre cuddly and sweet
Monkeys arenít good to have
because they beat their
Meeting in the office
Iím eating in the hall
The boss he wants to see you
So you can suck his
Balzac was a writer
He lived with Allan Funt
Mrs. Roberts didnít like him
But thatís cause sheís a
Contaminated water
Can really make you sick
Your bladder gets infected
and blood comes out your
Dictate what Iím saying
And it will bring you luck
And if you all donít like it
I donít give a f**k
- from "South Park"

Woman's Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Man's Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

A Soldier Went to War
Asshole, asshole, a soldier went to war.
To Piss, to piss, two pistols by his side.
Up your, up your, a pure motive had he.
To fight for the old cunt, fight for the old cunt, fight for the old country.
- I learned this from Joe


 
Shorties
 
Happiness
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Longevity
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Propensity to change
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Discussion technique
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

How to get people to stop bugging you about getting married
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Babies
1. Why is it that when a baby is born, people announce how much it weighs?  Does this matter?  I would find it much more interesting and entertaining knowing how much the mother weighed just before giving birth.
2. Why people say "bouncing baby"?  Babies have so much fat, I don't think they would bounce even if covered in flubber.


Porky Pig


 
A Priest and a Rabii
 
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest tuned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked. "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for a few minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesnít it?"


 
Elephant Story
 
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.