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Saki-ism
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On Food | On Life | Saki-speak | Saki Interview
Saki-ism isn't
a religion or a real philosophy. It is just a name I assigned to
some of the bullsh*t ideas I often have about
life. Don't take any of this too seriously, God knows I don't.
The above photo was taken May 8, 2004 at the Department of Maryland
Marine Corps League State Convention in Ocean City, Maryland.
On Food
If God didn't
want us to eat meat, then he wouldn't have made it taste so good.
What is the fun of being at the top of the food chain if you are gonna
eat vegetables?
It's a sin to waste food but a bigger sin to waste meat.
My four food groups are mammals, birds, fish, and everything else.
A Saki-burger is a half pound burger (preferably venison) off the grill covered with a thin slice of grilled Spam, sprinkled with bacon bits, covered in cheese, with ketchup.
Eat healthy unless the food is free. Then all diets are null and
void.
Free food always tastes good.
On Life
The secret to success is to have low expectations.
Simplicity + Functionality = Beauty
Accept nothing less than mediocrity.
Never underestimate the power of compounding interest.
Tesla (the physicist, not the rock band) once said
"There shall be no rest, lest a taste for idleness be acquired."
I saw the following posting on a kayak website:
"Never judge a day by the weather. The best things in life aren't things. He who dies with the most toys still dies. There are 2 ways to be rich - make more or desire less. No rain, no rainbows. Take it easy. -Hawaiian rules to live by"
I've been accused of having a type A, corporate minded, obsessive personality. Here are my rules to live by...though you may not live very long.
"Time is money, money is time. Never waste either. There will be plenty of time to rest when you're dead."
My Goal
To have a job I enjoy which pays me enough money and gives me enough time to enjoy the activities I love and to have good friends with whom I can enjoy these activities.
My Utopia
In my utopia, people do nice things for each other with no ulterior motive. Friendship has no bounds on race, religion, gender, age, or sexual orientation. People speak the truth and honesty is assumed. When someone says 'A,' we interpret 'A,' not 'B,' and not 'C.' People don't read into statements or misinterpret them. People are treated as individuals and not stereotypes. Nobody is wrongly accused. People aren't mean. The strong help the weak and the weak are grateful. There are no bullies. Status is irrelevant. People help out in the best way they can. Effort and intentions matter. People respect privacy, property, and the environment.
The most important things in life
· Good hiking boots.
· Good teeth.
· A car that gets you from point A to point B reliably. It doesn't have to look good...it just has to do its job.
· To be able to fight well enough to defend yourself or at least to be able to run fast enough to get away. If you can't do either, you're screwed.
· A good boss.
· A strong back.
· A good pair of knees.
· A healthy outlook on life.
The nine Cs
It is interesting that
many of the biggest causes of stress all start
with the letter 'C'. Precisely a reason you should not date people
whose name starts with 'C' or give your children 'C' names. There
are nine 'C' stresses...can you think of more?
· Cash: not having enough
· Cars: when they don't work
· Computers: when they don't work (for the
Windows 98
operating system, that is most of the time)
· Children: why I don't have any
· Chicks: can't live with them, can't kill them
· Credit: when it is bad
· Cops: when you didn't think they were watching
· The C programming language (and C++): because
pointers
suck ass
·
Commitment: death or marriage...hmmm, let me think
When
I am king... (yes, I'm pretending I'm Adam Corolla)
· Married people who work at the
same location or for the same company MUST have the same last name.
· Companies that construct anything that might
lead to environmental pollution must pay the government a security
deposit so that if they go bankrupt, there will be money to clean up
what they've done.
· Pennies will be abolished.
·
People will be able to claim pets adopted from an animal shelter as tax
writeoffs.
· Teenagers
who are not recognized as adults when it comes to seeing a rated R movie
will not have to pay adult price admission.
· Documents must define acronyms before using them.
· Asking, "When are you two going to get married" in front of your non-fiancee girlfriend will be cause for justifiable homocide.
·
In addition to
beltway on-ramp signs stating east, west, north, or south, they will
also list clockwise or counterclockwise.
Vote for me as pope
On April 19, 2005, Benedict XVI got elected pope to replace John Paul II. Guess my request to be a write-in candidate didn't get submitted fast enough. But not to worry. No-sir-ee. California governor Gray Davis got kicked out of office by the demands of the people and replaced by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The same thing can happen to the pope. So if you're reading this Benny 16, watch out! I'm after your job.
If elected pope, I promise the following:
1. The popemobile will be a 1969 Ford Mustang Mach 1.
2. Instead of fish fridays, it will be Pizza Hut meatlover's deep dish pan pizza fridays.
3. The official pope hat will be a black baseball cap with the "West Coast Choppers" patch.
4. Instead of crackers and wine for communion, it will be bacon double cheeseburgers and beer.
5. Mardi Gras will be a monthly event celebrated in every major city.
6. Worship service will begin two hours later so that people can be more fully recovered from their hangovers.
7. Priests can get married but only to ugly chicks.
If you find any of this offensive, I apologize...no, not really.
What I'd like people to say about me after I die:
He was trustworthy and reliable.
He wrote well.
He was a fast kayaker.
He was organized.
He got the job done.
I felt safe around him.
He had a mean left hook.
He was disciplined.
He had great taste in music.
He was honorable.
How to be like me (not that anyone would want to):
Listen to plenty of hard rock music.
Eat lots of meat (preferrably red).
Lift weights and savor the burn because pain is weakness leaving the body.
I'd rather have...
more power than more strength. Power is a function involving both strength and speed.
strength in proportion to my bodyweight than brute strength (i.e. gymnast strength rather than powerlifter strength)
more speed than more endurance.
experience than youth.
more time than more money.
a fast kayak than a fast car.
hot humid weather than cold weather.
Logos
People often ask me about the red patch on my cap. It is the insignia for the Second Marine Division. Everyone needs a logo. Some names are well suited for a logo. The name "Saki" is not one of them. If your name is Joey, you can use a baby kangaroo as your logo. If your name is Bill, you can use a duck head as your logo. If your name is Oliver, you can use an olive branch as your logo. If your name is Dick,...well...you know.
Communication
On March 3, 2006, a good friend taught me an important lesson in communication. It is something I wish I knew a few months prior.
After hearing a grievance, calmly reply with, "I'm sorry you feel that way." This let's the speaker know he or she has been heard without placing blame or admitting guilt.
Avoid using the word "why" which sometimes sounds threatening (e.g. "why did you do that?").
Before stating your view, say, "Would you like to know how I feel?"
Be open to criticism without being defensive.
Be a good listener.
Happiness
One day, I was feeling sad. Then I read something that made my day. I think it is a little Buddhist without intending to be so. Regardless, the message is universal. Click Attitude.
Saki-speak
Saki-speak encompasses some words, pronunciations, and phrases that may be somewhat unconventional.
Bostonians tend to drop R's. I sometimes add them
Silicon becomes silicorn
Leprechaun becomes leprecorn
Poison ivy becomes poison ivory
Potato becomes pahtater
Millimeter becomes millermeter
Willow becomes willer
Centipede becomes centerpede
Delaware becomes Dellerwhere
A capella becomes arcapella
Window becomes winder
Pro bono becomes pro boner
Bachelor-proof: The state of being infallible to the weaknesses commonly associated with bachelors. For example, a recipe is bachelor-proof if the ingredients and cooking time provide ample room for error. Clothes may be bachelor-proof if it can be successfully washed and dried under many different machine settings.
Fugly: Fat and ugly or f**king ugly.
The Saki Effect: When notice is given that Saki will be attending a social event, a mass exodus of women takes place.
Jelly donut: A reference to someone who is soft (weak). This is a term used by my platoon. Not sure if other platoons used this term.
In 1493, Columbus sailed the deep blue sea.
Leaves of six make you itch.
In American English, we borrow certain words from other cultures. Similarly, I borrow words from other people. Jimmy has influenced my dialect considerably.
Jackpot: What a person's eyes do just before they lose consciousness after being hit dead on the button.
Hacksaw: Bent over one arm dumbell row.
Banjo: The act of a large piece of metal flying through the air.
Soup bones: Fists.
Divebomber: In Yoga, this is known as a down dog/up dog pushup. Some people call it a Hindu pushup. SEALS are known for doing this type of pushup also.
Breadbasket: The abdominal area.
Soggy: Fat and out of shape.
Interview
On September 2, 2005, I was interviewed by the founder of the Reconstruction Project, Incorporated:
You have a very interesting website. How did you find the time to devote to it?
By not having kids.
You don't like kids?
Kids are people and just like people, there are some I like and some I don't. But I do find that boys are often difficult to handle before they reach puberty and girls are difficult after puberty.
Girls are difficult after puberty until when?
Death.
You've got a lot of nerve, especially considering you're being interviewed by a woman.
Just keeping it real.
Hmmmph. I read you were a mathematician? You don't look like one.
I'll take that as a compliment.
What got you interested in math?
I was lousy in sports, had no talent for music, bad with people,...pretty much couldn't do anything else.
What would you have liked to have done?
I would have loved to have been a rock star...who wouldn't?
I hear ya man. But seriously, you've done pretty good for yourself.
To quote Joe Walsh, "I can't complain but sometimes I still do."
If you could have done something in the past differently, what would it have been?
You mean as compared to having done something in the future differently? [snicker]. If you asked that to a Miss America contestant, they'd all say that they wouldn't change anything because everything they've done has helped shape who they are today. Typical bulls**t answer. Well, I think I should have been a Boy Scout.
Really? You think you would have made a good Scout?
Probably not, but it would have taught me a few things like fieldcraft and social skills.
You didn't learn fieldcraft in the Marines?
Hell, our idea of starting a campfire was pouring gasoline on a log then throwing a lit cigarette on top of it. Actually, I learned quite a bit compared to what I knew going in but I would have liked to have learned more.
But not enough to re-enlist?
No way.
Speaking of the past, if you go back in time, what time period would you have liked to have lived?
Knowing what I know now, I'd say the late 1970s. I'd buy up a bunch of gold before its value skyrockets. Then I'd buy Microsoft stocks. In a few years, I'd get to re-live the 1980s all over again and see all those bands I wish I saw when they were in their prime.
Interesting logic. What then would you do with all that money?
I'd invest it in real estate in places like San Diego and San Francisco, knowing that the real estate market would skyrocket. I guess I have a Mr. Howell mentality: "The purpose of money is to make more money."
Would you buy a motorcycle?
You can't carry a kayak on a motorcycle, silly goose!
Ok then. How about buying kayaks?
Sure, I guess so. Though I don't think they had carbon fiber, kevlar, or wing paddles back then. I suppose I'd have to paddle a slower boat. That would suck.
So maybe you're best off in the here and now.
Maybe you're right.
I don't think the past is ready for you anyway, Saki.
Uhh, yeah, right. The whole time travel thing makes my head hurt anyway.
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